The title of today's blog is very accurate. Until today, I really hadn't had a bad day for about a month. Well, today was one of those bad days. I wish I could blame it on someone or something, but I'm responsible. Let me explain.
Haiti is a very frustrating place. Nothing here is ever easy. Sometimes, the most basic things prove difficult.
As most of you are aware, I have been providing just a little bit of relief for some of the Haitian people, mostly kids. This is not my primary job. I was hired by a U.S. government contractor to come here and provide law enforcement expertise to the Haitian National Police, commonly referred to as the HNP or PNH, in French. Needless to say, that has been more than disappointing. Like the police in Iraq, very few HNP are interested in what we have to say. And, I guess I can't blame them. What police officer would want to be forced to accept guidance from a foreign police officer? I know that I wouldn't. At the same time, the police here are rife with corruption. Anyway, that's another story for another day.
This week I have experienced a range of emotions. From elation to all out depression. Via my Facebook Page, I shared with many of you the story of Robinson, the handicapped man we recently provided a wheelchair to. That definitely warmed my heart. We have seen him every day since giving him the chair and he seems to be doing well.
My next challenge has been trying provide for some of he children in the area where I work. Specifically, Nancy, Lamil and Kingston. All three are about 10 years old. Lamil and Kingston are brothers, Lamil is a "little person." For about the past two weeks I have been feeding them and trying to provide food for their families. I do the same with Nancy. Lamil and Kingston have no mother, she passed away from Cholera. Nancy has no father, he was killed in the earthquake. All three seem to crave a parent's attention but I believe that they are also hungry.
I find myself wandering if they are hungry because they are typical kids or if they are hungry because they have had nothing to eat. It just breaks my heart. And on top of this I have all of the other people who ask for things, from 7 years old to 70 years old.
Lamil, Kingston and Nancy have made a habit of coming to the police station on a daily basis. We had to put a stop to this. After all, it is a police station. This made me feel guilty. But, when you add up what I spend on them on a daily basis, it adds up quickly. Unfortunately, I do not have unlimited funds and often find myself running short of funds at the end of the month. But then, I think about the fact that my oldest son is buying me an IPad 2 for Christmas. How can I get something like that and not take care of these kids. I have come to realize that I cannot help everyone here. If I could though, I would.
Nancy was the first one to come to me today. I was sitting in the car cooling down, something else I feel guilty about. She smiled and knocked on my window. She then rubbed her stomach and said "grangou" or "I'm hungry" in Creole. Needless to say, I couldn't resist. Well, as I came out of the store, here came Lamil and Kingston. Back to square one. I took them into the market and bought them some food and drinks to take home. I had the store owner, a really nice guy who speaks English, explain to then that I cannot continue to buy them food on a daily basis. They dropped their heads and walked away. The guilt I felt suddenly consumed me. I forgot to mention. I paid for Nancy to get a ride home on a motorcycle taxi. The driver took her about 100 yards down the road, and basically kicked her to the curb. What arrogance. I'm afraid of what I will do if I find him again. So, I had to pay another driver to take her home. She lives about 5 miles from where I work. So, based on all of this, my whole day was ruined.
I went from being in a really good mood, to being in a really dark mood, almost to the point where it scared me. I immediately shut down and basically didn't speak to anyone the rest of the afternoon.
As we were headed back to PAP we again spotted Robinson, still going along in his wheelchair. This lifted my mood somewhat.
When I got back to the lodge, I was extremely depressed. As bad as I have been since arriving in Haiti. I wasn't sure that I could go on much longer, as pathetic as that sounds. But, I have to provide for my family. If it were up to me, I would have went home today. But, that's the coward's way out.
I finally decided to go out by the pool and update my blog. Before doing that, I called Michelle Roberts to check on Ken Ken. To my surprise, she told me that he was sitting up in bed, by himself and was smiling at her. What a boost that was. She will post some to pics of him on my FB page later tonight.
The bottom line is this; when will I accept the fact that God will never give me more than I can handle? Why do I, at times, lack the most basic faith? To take an exerpt form a book I was reading today, am I a follower of Christ or am I a fan of Christ? That is a very good question and sometimes I feel as though I can't answer that question.
I sincerely ask for your prayers. I will need them to get through the next 1-2 years. I may be home in a month or I may be home for good in 21 months. The job marked may determine the answer to that question. I have asked to return to my previous job but only God can make that happen.
Please continue to pray for Ken Ken, Nancy, Lamil, Kingston and the rest of the Haitian people. It is very easy to become judgmental towards the adults who often try their best to take advantage of you. Until next time, take care, stay safe and God Bless.
Mark
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